Here we have the latest installment of Helen Bailey’s struggles to assert herself amidst the egos and eccentricities of a large City law firm, Private Detection :

The Boss immediately delegates the job of contacting the private detective to me.

“How exciting!” Liz exclaims, when I tell her. “Working with a real, live detective.  You get all the best cases.”

Hardly.

“Will he be like Magnum PI, do you think?” asks Alex.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jane snaps, before I can respond.  “This is London not Hawaii.   He will be short, balding and oikish.  I can guarantee it.”

“How do you know? What dealings have you had with private detectives?”

“Plenty.”

She folds her arms.

I imagine the sort of encounters Jane has had: cheating boyfriends; dodgy flatmates; unscrupulous landlords.  She’s the type of girl who knows her way around the personal ads.

“Such as?” Alex challenges her.

“You wouldn’t want to know.”

“Yes I would.  Since you’re holding yourself out as such an expert.  Tell me how you know – with absolute certainty - that the detective won’t look like Tom Selleck!”

“Because,” she says slowly, “If he wore an Hawaiian shirt on Cheapside, he would get arrested.”

“You see!  You can’t ever give a serious answer!”

“Well, he would hardly blend in.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.  He could look like Tom Selleck and wear a pinstriped suit.”

“And I could fly to the moon on the back of a Toilet Duck.”

The fact is, she probably could.

“He might be a she ,” Liz points out.

A lady detective.  We hadn’t thought of that.

“Like Miss Marple!” she laughs.

“See,” Jane gives Alex one of her looks.  “You only have a 50% chance of him being male, never mind looking like Tom Selleck.”

“If not Tom Selleck then David Hasselhoff,” he adds.  “From Knight Rider.
In black leather…..”

“You’ll get Colombo.  From Walthamstow.  If you’re lucky.”

“Well, thanks for the analysis, all of you,” I huff. “But it is me who will be working with him – or her .  Me who will be instructing him to snoop on some poor victimised girl, whose only crime is rejecting the advances of her selfish, sex-crazed boss!”

“Have you had too much caffeine today?” Jane peers at me.

“I have not had any caffeine!”

“That’s it then,” she nods. “You’re in withdrawal.  Go and get some Nescafe immediately.  Restore equilibrium to your troubled mind.”

“I do not want Nescafe!”

“Kenco then, it doesn’t matter.”

“I DO NOT WANT CAFFEINE!  I WANT A JOB WHERE I DON’T HAVE TO WORK FOR BULLYING TOADS AND I DO NOT HAVE TO SPEND MY DAYS PICKING THROUGH OTHER PEOPLE’S DIRTY LINEN!”

Click here to continue with Private Detection

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